Arizona State Devils as Southpark Characters

By: GUEST BLOGGER Brian FROM THE PACTEN APOSTLE

If the Arizona State Sun Devils were played by South Park characters, the casting would look something like this:

Chef as Dirk Koetter
The advice man. Can really carry a tune and sings a great song, but the people listening don’t really know what it means. Opting to start Rudy instead of Sam Keller seemed a way to rally his team, but now Carpenter’s thrown six picks in his last two games and the Sun Devils are returning to their old underachieving ways, not moving forward. They haven’t beaten Cal or USC in the last five seasons and have only won 2 of 19 games against ranked opponents under Coach Chef. He needs a statement game, especially after getting destroyed by Cal, and beating undefeated Oregon would definitely make a statement. Plus, duck is delicious.

Who or whatever kills Kenny as Rudy Carpenter
Someone is always blamed for killing Kenny, yet no one ever gets arrested or has to stand trial. Rudy ran one Sam Keller straight outta Dodge, as evidently Tempe wasn’t big enough for the two of ‘em. Coach Chef seemingly had no problem with this and the story has largely been forgotten since Keller enrolled at Nebraska. Rudy was expected to have another big season, and to some degree he has. Only three quarterbacks have thrown more touchdown passes, yet he has already thrown four times as many picks as he did all of last year, and that’s in only half as many attempts. He can’t afford to duplicate that effort he had against Cal again this season.

Stan as Zach Miller
The calming influence. Whenever you need him, you know he’s there. The safety blanket for Rudy and possibly the best tight end in the country, he’s a mismatch for every linebacker and safety who tries to cover him. Gets overshadowed by louder teammates at times, but he leads the team in receptions and has his head on straight. Unsubstantiated reports indicate he may also vomit uncontrollably before talking to girls he likes.

Tweek as The Sun Devil Pass Rush
Never know what they are going to do. They were all over the place in the first three games with constant pressure on the quarterback, and then couldn’t muster much of anything against Cal’s injury riddled offensive line. They probably came off their caffeine high. They still lead the country in sacks and will be looking to put pressure on Dennis Dixon and force him into more mistakes than he made against the Sooners. They have their work cut out for them, as only Utah has allowed fewer sacks than the Ducks. Get the cappuccino maker ready, the Sun Devils may need a little extra boost to get their hands in Dixon’s face.

Butters as Ryan Torain
Came out of nowhere to be a crucial part of the team. No one was expecting him to be this effective, now he has to start every week. Who doesn’t want to see a couple games revolve around Torain? He absolutely shredded Cal’s defense for almost 200 yards, and only Oregon and Stanford have worse run defenses than Cal. That bodes well for the Sun Devils and hopefully Torain can keep the Duck defense off balance and give Carpenter time to find his receivers.

Thankfully this game isn’t being played in California, otherwise you’d have to pick the Ducks (Koetter is 0-11 in Ca.). But this one is in Tempe, and now that they don’t have to share their stadium with the lowly Cardinals, they must get better just by reverse osmosis. And they can’t lose to every ranked team they play this year again, can they? If they do, Koetter better hope he leaves Tempe in better shape than Chef left South Park. Oregon has a whole lot of offense, but ASU does too. The Sun Devils just needs a little help from their defense in shutting down the spread option of OC Gary Crowton. In the end, Arizona State takes it, because they have to, 34-27. Besides, it’s a pantsless duck versus one of Satan’s pitchfork-carrying spawns. How can ASU not come out on top?